Monday, March 16, 2009

Wise and Otherwise


KATHRYN stands in front of her bathroom mirror, doing her hair. She is young, twenty-something, the mother of three angelic children, and she is a real knockout. Her somewhat good-looking husband (BEN) walks in, mischievous smile on his face.


Hey, honey, guess what?

(yelling over ROAR of hair dryer)



You're getting your wisdom teeth taken out on Friday!

(turning off hair dryer)



Yeah, I just made you an appointment with 'Wisdom Teeth Only'.

(looking very pale)

This Friday?

Yeah, this Friday... don't make any other plans between 12:20 and 2 o'clock, 'kay?

[Deafening Heart Palpitations, Close-up of KATHRYN's brow, covered with beads of sweat, KATHRYN's hands, gripping the side of the bathroom counter, knuckles turning white]


Uh, hun? Are you crying?


Yeah, that's right, peoples. I'm getting my stupid wisdom teeth taken out on Friday. After Ben lovingly delivered the news to me, I went in to the office to do some bona fide research by typing the words "wisdom teeth" into Google Images. Bad idea. When you do that you get some weird pictures like this:

photo via here

And some funny ones, like this:

photo via here

And some scary pictures like this:

photo via here

Why the heck are the ends of those teeth CURLED?!? What is up with curly teeth? How does a dentist extract barbed teeth from a jaw? Do I want to know? Probably not! And probably! I'm being sedated and that does nothing to alleviate my fears. Sadistic dentists slashing away at the tender insides of my oral cavity whilst I am asleep and supposedly dreaming of cotton candy and pink ponies still means I wake up to a jaw full of holes and cotton gauze (gag). I also will wake up to a husband and 3 kids whom will probably want steak and potatoes for dinner. And speaking of dinner, what does one eat post jaw excavation? Well, according to this lovely little Wikipedia page, I can eat canned tuna pureed in the blender, breakfast cereal made soggy with milk, and vegetable juice (aha! the perks to oral surgery!). Oh wait, it also says I can eat milkshakes. Good. So I can slurp up an extra 15 pounds while I'm recovering. I can see me now, sitting on my unmade bed, wrinkled t-shirt, hair disheveled, glassy-eyed from the pain meds, maybe a little drool glistening on my bruised and swollen jaw, and clumsily sucking on a chocolate-tunafish-cheerios milkshake. Who wants to come over for dinner at my house next week?


Pinch said...


I had 3 taken out in one sitting when I first entered the Navy. For some reason the government has something against wisdom teeth and they declare war on them as soon as you sign on the line. The whole experience wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, except when the dentist put his foot on my chest for leverage to yank out one particularly recalcitrant piece of ivory.

Enjoy :)

Bill / Pinch

Grant and Stacy said...

chocolate-tuna-cheerios milkshake! Count me in!

Melissa said...

Blech. This does NOT seem like a Ben idea to me. Where did he come up with this one?

Brandon and Amber said...

You're so funny! I had my wisdom teeth taken out at that same place right before I got married. Being put under was really weird, but the milkshakes and smoothies were really a perk! Make sure you get Ben to wait on you hand and gotta milk it for all it's worth, especially since he set up the appointment for you!

Melissa said...

Okay. I've been thinking more about this, and have come to the conclusion that this is a Ben-scheme-in-the-making that will come back to haunt you. Next time he wants something (which he probably already has in mind) he'll say, "But Kat, we spent that much money getting your wisdom teeth out."

Good luck, my friend...good luck.

Bringhursts said...

Eww, I do not envy you. But, I have to tell you that I am deathly, DEATHLY, deathly scared of dentists (sense the irony since I'm married to one) but when I got mine out, it was a breeze. Good luck, friend.

Cyndi said...

Okay, just be prepared to put up with a lot of drool and feeling like a fool as all the food (I mean mushy tuna milkshakes) you attempt to eat dribbles down your numb face. But, of course, this is just when it first happens. Then the pain sets in and your cheeks swell so you look like a chipmunk. This will give your loving husband plenty of material for his next show. Ha ha!

Okay, so this may not happen to you, but it happened to me-except it was my not so loving brother who mocked me until I cried. The wounds are still fresh although it's been many, many years. I am crossing my fingers that yours will be a much better experience. Good luck!!!

P.S. Eat before you go because the drugs make you pass out at least 3 times before getting to the car if not. Yes, even more painful memories for me. It was so, so, so bad.

Jen said...

Kat, I do not have good things to tell you. In fact. I actually woke up during my surgery to the vision of a large chisle in my mouth and a hammer coming down onto it before blacking out again. AND... this is awesome... after Greg's mission.. he had to have a 5th wisdom tooth pulled.. who grows a 5th wisdom tooth? I do have some good news though. It's customer appreciation day at Sonic on saturday so all the shakes and slushies you can dream of are half price. For your sake, I'm hoping that "having your wisdom teeth pulled" is just Ben's little way of saying he's made an appointment for you to have a full day at the spa...

Admiral Joe said...

I wanted to keep mine, and my uncle(a brilliant-yet-retired oral surgeon) said that they had to obliterate them in order to remove them from my jaw. It was gonna be the coolest crocodile dundee hat ever.

Sean said...

Your story just reminded me of the time when I had my wisdom tooth extracted. I was on-leave from work for a week after having it extracted by a Murrells Inlet, SC dentist, and it was a pretty different experience for me to have. With that, I had my girlfriend drive me home since I am in no condition to drive at all.

For a week of recovery, I think I've lost 20lbs just by eating vegetable soup and resting. But still, losing my wisdom tooth was fantastic; the pain I endured for many months was gone.